Parents: Role or Function?
Many adults, talking with young children, play a role. They pronounce the words stupid and pointless emit sounds. They talk with your child down. They do not treat the child as an equal. The fact that you still know more, or that you're bigger does not mean that the child is not equal to you. Most adults, realizing at some point in their lives that they have become parents, and, therefore, must "conform" to this, come into one of the most versatile roles. The most important question is: Are you able to fulfill parental responsibilities, and execute it well, while not identifying with this function, that is not turning it into a role?
Essential functions of the parent - is to ensure the needs of the child, watch that he was not in danger, and from time to time to tell him what to do and what not to do. However, when parenting becomes an identification, when your sense of self entirely or largely derived from it, then this function can easily become too high, it becomes exaggerated, and grabs you. The desire to give children the necessary becomes excessive and becomes a fad. Obereganie them from dangerous situations becomes sverhopeku, which prevents them from exercising to learn and explore the world. Explaining to children that need and what not to do, turns into a controlling and authoritarian leadership.
Moreover, identified with the role of parent persists after the need for carrying out these functions disappears. In this case, the parents can not stop being parents, even when their child becomes an adult. They can not abandon its needs in that it continues to need them. Even if he was over forty, the parents can not get rid of the thought "I know that for you better." They unwittingly continue to perform the role of parents, so they have no real relationship with their adult child. They define themselves through this role, and unconsciously afraid to lose this identification, if you cease to be parents.
When their desire to control their adult children or to influence his action meets with opposition - as it usually happens - they start it or to criticize or express disapproval of, or attempt to make him feel guilty - and all this in an unconscious attempt to assert its role and their identification. From the side it looks as if they are concerned about your child, what is absolutely sure, but in fact concerned only with maintaining their role-identification. Any egotipicheskaya motivation aimed at increasing self-worth. It is accompanied by actions in their own interests, sometimes cleverly disguised, even from himself, that is, from the one in whom this ego function.
Mother and father, to identify with the role of parents, may try to compensate for their own piecemeal through the children, sending them the need for parental ego someone to manipulate. Their aim is to make children feel a sense of failure, which is the usual condition of the parent ego. If the bulk of the unconscious parents' expectations and motivations, which is manifested on the background of obsessive need to manipulate children, was recognized and announced, it would have something like: "I want you to reach what could not reach me. I want to be in the eyes of the world you are someone else has, then through you I, too, can someone be. Do not deprive me of hope. I sacrificed so much for you. The purpose of my discontent that in you a sense of guilt and discomfort, and that you finally fulfilled my wishes. And certainly, I know that you will be better. I love you and will love you more, if you do what I feel for you right ".
Perceiving such unconscious motivation consciously, you immediately understand how they are absurd. Behind them the ego with all its functional disorders becomes apparent. Some parents, with whom I ever talk suddenly came to an understanding: "My God, am I really doing this?" As soon as you start to see what you do, or did until now, you will immediately become apparent futility of such a course of action, but at the same time becomes visible and the unconscious pattern of behavior, which as a result of its understanding of itself comes to an end. Awareness - is the most powerful force for change.
If your parents come to you this way, do not tell them that they are unconscious and are in thrall to the ego. This will make them more conscious awareness, because the ego will defend their positions. You have enough to admit that they have egos, and that it is not those who they are. Egotipicheskie behaviors, even long-standing, if you do not protivodeystvuesh them internally, sometimes dissolve almost miraculously. Countering only gives them new strength. But even if they do not dissolve, you still can with compassion to take the behavior of parents. You will not need to respond to it, or, in other words, to personify it.
Also aware of their own unconscious assumptions and expectations behind the same behavioral reactions. "Parents probably approve of my actions. They should understand me and take it to those who I am. " Really? Why should they? The fact is that they should not, because they can not. Their growing consciousness has not yet committed a quantum leap in the level of awareness. They are not yet able razotozhdestvitsya their roles. "Yes, but until I get their approval and understanding, I can not be happy and feel comfortable in relation to who I am." Really? As their approval or disapproval may affect who you are? All of these unexplored assumptions cause many negative emotions, as well as deep and quite unnecessary feeling of unhappiness.
Be vigilant. Are not Somewhere in your mind of thought embedded in his thoughts of your parents, I tell you, perhaps something like: "You're not good enough. You're never nothing can become significant, or other judgments and mental attitudes? If you have mindfulness, you will be able to recognize the voice in my head and see it: an old idea, due to the past. If you have mindfulness, you no longer need to trust each coming up with the idea. This is just an old idea, not more.
Awareness - this presence, and only presence can dissolve the unconscious past in you. Ram Dass said: "If you consider yourself enlightened, go and stay a week with their parents. This is good advice. Relationships with parents - is not only the source relations, set the tone in all other respects, but also a good test of your degree of Presence. The more you've had past, the more you have to be present, otherwise you again and again you'll have to revive that past.
Many adults, talking with young children, play a role. They pronounce the words stupid and pointless emit sounds. They talk with your child down. They do not treat the child as an equal. The fact that you still know more, or that you're bigger does not mean that the child is not equal to you. Most adults, realizing at some point in their lives that they have become parents, and, therefore, must "conform" to this, come into one of the most versatile roles. The most important question is: Are you able to fulfill parental responsibilities, and execute it well, while not identifying with this function, that is not turning it into a role?
Essential functions of the parent - is to ensure the needs of the child, watch that he was not in danger, and from time to time to tell him what to do and what not to do. However, when parenting becomes an identification, when your sense of self entirely or largely derived from it, then this function can easily become too high, it becomes exaggerated, and grabs you. The desire to give children the necessary becomes excessive and becomes a fad. Obereganie them from dangerous situations becomes sverhopeku, which prevents them from exercising to learn and explore the world. Explaining to children that need and what not to do, turns into a controlling and authoritarian leadership.
Moreover, identified with the role of parent persists after the need for carrying out these functions disappears. In this case, the parents can not stop being parents, even when their child becomes an adult. They can not abandon its needs in that it continues to need them. Even if he was over forty, the parents can not get rid of the thought "I know that for you better." They unwittingly continue to perform the role of parents, so they have no real relationship with their adult child. They define themselves through this role, and unconsciously afraid to lose this identification, if you cease to be parents.
When their desire to control their adult children or to influence his action meets with opposition - as it usually happens - they start it or to criticize or express disapproval of, or attempt to make him feel guilty - and all this in an unconscious attempt to assert its role and their identification. From the side it looks as if they are concerned about your child, what is absolutely sure, but in fact concerned only with maintaining their role-identification. Any egotipicheskaya motivation aimed at increasing self-worth. It is accompanied by actions in their own interests, sometimes cleverly disguised, even from himself, that is, from the one in whom this ego function.
Mother and father, to identify with the role of parents, may try to compensate for their own piecemeal through the children, sending them the need for parental ego someone to manipulate. Their aim is to make children feel a sense of failure, which is the usual condition of the parent ego. If the bulk of the unconscious parents' expectations and motivations, which is manifested on the background of obsessive need to manipulate children, was recognized and announced, it would have something like: "I want you to reach what could not reach me. I want to be in the eyes of the world you are someone else has, then through you I, too, can someone be. Do not deprive me of hope. I sacrificed so much for you. The purpose of my discontent that in you a sense of guilt and discomfort, and that you finally fulfilled my wishes. And certainly, I know that you will be better. I love you and will love you more, if you do what I feel for you right ".
Perceiving such unconscious motivation consciously, you immediately understand how they are absurd. Behind them the ego with all its functional disorders becomes apparent. Some parents, with whom I ever talk suddenly came to an understanding: "My God, am I really doing this?" As soon as you start to see what you do, or did until now, you will immediately become apparent futility of such a course of action, but at the same time becomes visible and the unconscious pattern of behavior, which as a result of its understanding of itself comes to an end. Awareness - is the most powerful force for change.
If your parents come to you this way, do not tell them that they are unconscious and are in thrall to the ego. This will make them more conscious awareness, because the ego will defend their positions. You have enough to admit that they have egos, and that it is not those who they are. Egotipicheskie behaviors, even long-standing, if you do not protivodeystvuesh them internally, sometimes dissolve almost miraculously. Countering only gives them new strength. But even if they do not dissolve, you still can with compassion to take the behavior of parents. You will not need to respond to it, or, in other words, to personify it.
Also aware of their own unconscious assumptions and expectations behind the same behavioral reactions. "Parents probably approve of my actions. They should understand me and take it to those who I am. " Really? Why should they? The fact is that they should not, because they can not. Their growing consciousness has not yet committed a quantum leap in the level of awareness. They are not yet able razotozhdestvitsya their roles. "Yes, but until I get their approval and understanding, I can not be happy and feel comfortable in relation to who I am." Really? As their approval or disapproval may affect who you are? All of these unexplored assumptions cause many negative emotions, as well as deep and quite unnecessary feeling of unhappiness.
Be vigilant. Are not Somewhere in your mind of thought embedded in his thoughts of your parents, I tell you, perhaps something like: "You're not good enough. You're never nothing can become significant, or other judgments and mental attitudes? If you have mindfulness, you will be able to recognize the voice in my head and see it: an old idea, due to the past. If you have mindfulness, you no longer need to trust each coming up with the idea. This is just an old idea, not more.
Awareness - this presence, and only presence can dissolve the unconscious past in you. Ram Dass said: "If you consider yourself enlightened, go and stay a week with their parents. This is good advice. Relationships with parents - is not only the source relations, set the tone in all other respects, but also a good test of your degree of Presence. The more you've had past, the more you have to be present, otherwise you again and again you'll have to revive that past.
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